By Jim Senhauser (Copyright 2012 IdeaTree, Ltd. All rights reserved.) Charisma is generally regarded as the positive and compelling connection and influence that some singles have with others beyond the physical presence, or presents, that God gave us. Our parents often referred to it as "charm." Being involved in singles groups for more than 25 years, I have interviewed hundreds of single men and women regarding how they felt about relationships and witnessed thousands more. I have been especially fascinated with the traits that cause a woman to be attractive to a man, beyond physicality. What is it that sets her apart as being "relationship material," possibly even "the one" for him? Not surprisingly, there appear to be major disconnects between what women feel men are looking for and what men say they want. Perhaps it should not be so surprising. The women frequently attribute lack of success in relationships to not finding the right guy, which certainly can often be the case. However, it totally discounts the factors of being the right woman or recognizing the right guy when he comes along. While the latter situation is too complex to go into here, the points about personal and romantic charisma do merit some discussion. Here are the top 10 charismatic traits I compiled. See what you think: Is She "Nice"? Is she a moral, caring person who exhibits self-respect and respects others? Does she take care of herself by not abusing sex, alcohol, drugs or other substances? Does she have good character? Is she kind and compassionate? Does she have faith in God, others or at least herself? Or… does she talk negatively about or belittle others? Is she overly judgmental, or does she show signs of contempt, superiority or entitlement. Is she a cheater? Does She Have Good Integrity? Does she tell the truth -- the whole truth? Is she open, honest and trustworthy? Is she loyal and faithful? Can she keep her word, doing what she says she'll do? Or… does she "work the edges" trying to gain some advantage or hedge her bets in the relationship? Does she do anything that she would be ashamed of having "out in the open – integrity-wise."? Is she trying to hide something from her partner in the relationship? Is She a Good Communicator? Is she good at expressing herself, both verbally and non-verbally, and her needs appropriately? Can she and her partner talk out problems together? Is she a good listener? Does she provide effective feedback? Does her behavior reflect her verbally expressed attitudes? Can she accept and give constructive criticism? Has she mastered effective persuasion? Or… does she shrink from discussing problems, internalize them or take them only to her girlfriends? Does she send mixed messages through actions inconsistent with what she says? Does she ever nag or get abusive to get her own way? Does she continually gripe to others instead of discussing things with her partner? Is She Flexible and Accepting? Is she willing to experience new things, new places and people to broaden her horizons? Is she accepting of changes in her life? Does she handle adversity well? Is she open to new ideas? When she disagrees with her partner, is she willing to explore common ground or just confront him? Does she accept or even revel in her partner's flaws? Or… is she rigid and inflexible, unwilling to try new things? "But, we've always done it this way?" Does she cut off any opinions contrary to her own? Is it important that she always be right or have her own way? Does she belittle her partner for his shortcomings? Does She Have a Giving, Supportive Disposition? Is she considerate? Can you disagree with her without her becoming disagreeable? Is she thoughtful and considerate of others? Does she not only of{er to, but insist on, paying some of the time? Is she someone who can be counted on? Or… is she a taker; someone with a "me-first" attitude? Is she selfish and largely self-centered? Does she hold a grudge? Do her disagreements with their partner somehow become personal? Does she try to control her partner and the situation? Does She Have a Positive Outlook on Life? Is she a happy person? Is she fun to be around? Does she have a can-do attitude? Is she willing to try new things? Or… is she a pessimist, always seeing the glass as half-empty? Would others describe her as a complainer? If she is unhappy about something, does she try to enlist others to be unhappy with her? Does she sulk a lot? Is she envious of others' success? Is She Warm and Affectionate? Does she readily and openly express her emotions in a positive way, letting her partner know both verbally and non-verbally that she cares? Does she touch her partner? Does she ever send cards, notes or little gifts to her partner other than for his birthday or Christmas? Does she call just to let him know she is thinking of him? Is she comfortable accepting expressions of affection? Can she give and accept compliments? Or… does she express her caring reluctantly or only when she is persuaded by her partner? Does she have trouble talking about affection? Does she withhold her affection as a bargaining tool? Do her partner's timely words or expressions of affection make her uncomfortable? Is She a Fully Formed Adult? Is she self-reliant, dependable and self-confident? Is she resourceful? Can she bear up under adversity? Does she demonstrate maturity and good judgment? Is she intellectually curious and constantly looking to grow? Can she work well with her partner and others? Or… is she undependable, erratic or unable to function without significant support? Is she overly needy or a "drama queen"? Does she avoid responsibility, blaming others or the conditions for her failures or shortcomings? Does she lack common sense? Is she seemingly unable to manage money? Is she vain? Is She Effective at Expressing Her Sexuality and Femininity? Is she comfortable and effective at expressing her desire for or initiating sex? Does she effectively express her sexuality in her dress, talk and actions without coming across as cheap, crude or whorish? Can she be playful, vulnerable or flirtatious with her partner? Does she know when to tone back the sexuality (e.g. in the workplace)? Is she secure with her sexuality and view it as a gift and not a weapon? Or… does she send the wrong signals to other men at the wrong time or not know how to cut off inappropriate sexual advances? At times does she use her sex appeal to try to "show up" other women in mixed social situations? Is she sexually unadventurous, lack creativity and insist on a routine? Does she express jealousy excessively or inappropriately? Must she flirt with other men in order to boost her self-esteem? Is She Living in the Present? Is she getting the most out of each day? Is she willing to build for the future? For her, can the past be the past? Can she be confident in and trust her partner based on what he has demonstrated, not what other guys have? Does she demonstrate the capacity to forgive and forget? Despite any past disappointments, can she still see the basic good in guys? Or… is she not healed from past relationship failures and disappointments? Does emotional trauma from her past cause her to prematurely cut short current potential relationships? Is she unable to trust men (or herself to make good decisions about men) due to past relationship failures? Does a negative relationship with her father poison her view of men in general? Would both men and women say she is carrying a lot of emotional baggage? After 6 months have passed, does she still talk bitterly about the man in her last relationship or men in general? I realize that this particular column could hit a few nerves, I fully expect that some women will question whether it lets men off the hook for bad behavior. To the contrary, most of these same desirable charisma traits also apply to men ("bad boys" need not apply). The undesirable traits apply as well. Some women have questioned the one on being giving and supportive. They feel that it would lead to them being run over by their man. My response to that is simply that yes, that's the case if she is not self-reliant and confident and he is a "taker." If she is spineless and chooses to be with a man who is not also giving and supportive, no doubt she'll be dominated. That's where these traits come in handy in selecting the right person as well as being the right person. Can anyone live up to these high ideals all the time? No, of course not. But, they do give women and men goals to strive for. Hopefully, they are an insightful reminder and point of reference for things we might want to do differently to make our future relationships successful, satisfying and full. Here's to building relationships based on greater understanding!